friend #1:Girl my man is with me all the time, he says he loves me and that I am all he needs, we spend all of our time together.
friend #2:Well girlfriend can you break yourself away from him to go to the mall with me for a few hours.
friend #1: let me see, I'm sure it will be okay.
friend #2: well what did he say, can you go?
friend #1: girl I can't go because he said we have something to do.
To all my sisters, friends, daughters do you recognize this statement, or " no you can't go, for what so you can pick up men". one of the first signs of abuse. As a young woman when you think you're in love you do not see any of this as abuse, we just think of it as physical fighting. Well it's not and once you've been through it and survive you realize that you saw the signs all along and ignored them, you passed them off as caring about you, or he loves me. Well let me tell you that it most certainly is not love.
When your mate starts to change your relationship with your family and friends by alienation, or he starts to put you down and make you feel worthless and bad about yourself where you stop doing things for you, sign of potential abuser, snatching and grabbing on someone, sign of potential abuser, next comes what he calls a harmless slap because you said something wrong or you looked at someone too long, that's the beginning of the end of that relationship. you don't feel comfortable telling anyone because you are ashamed that you let it happen, you say to yourself " he's not going to do it again, while everyone else says if he hits you once he'll do it again." Well he did it again and again and again. Now you are sad, unhappy, and angry, you don't know how to fight back. Well in the 80's it was the burning bed, it gave a lot of us something to think about while he lay so comfortable in bed thinking you won't do anything, but in the back of your mind you want to kill him..
No you don't do that, you instead make yourself an escape plan, you go back to school. as step one you had to be able to support yourself, step two you fight back no matter what it takes until you can work your plan and then leave. Once you start to fight back you feel better about yourself. Long story short everything worked out and although the breakup and exit was still violent, you took control of your life and your situation, you were no longer the victim but the survivor.
Now you can tell your story to other women who feel like they are stuck in a bad relationship, no you are not. Get yourself a plan and work it, if you have never been in this situation stop telling your friends, sisters, or daughters to just leave because it is not as easy as it sounds, although you have more resources now than you did in the 70's and 80's. and I am also seeing a rise in younger abuse among teenagers, teenage love comes and goes, don't subject yourself to this type of behavior. You are worthy of love from someone who will not try to control you but yet they will encourage you to be your best. You should not have to go into the witness protection program to breakup with an abusive mate. Also do not let anyone make you think that you have a problem because you are a survivor of abuse and yes you may have trust issues, that is why you need to really take some time out to start loving yourself, when you do that you will start looking at everyone differently, you start to learn what you want for yourself, and you should not accept anything less that. You are beautiful and you do not need to be in an abusive relationship to know that.
So for all of you going through some things get yourself a plan and work, pray for yourself, and find someone to talk to, there are resources out here to help you, and if you are a female who has just gotten out of this type of relationship, get some help before you see yourself taking on the role of abuser which often happens. No new mate should have to pay for what someone else did.
when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when it's over.
this is in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, to all my sisters, and friends who have been through it and those who are trying to get out.
We are not victims, we are survivors...
Vanessa
