Okay one night last week I had a conversation with a very good male friend of mine who just happens to be my best friend. We talk about everything but for some reason I think in his mind he thinks there is still a future for us. Well in the midst of all our conversations we talk about relationships and love. Now this has been the mystery of the century, he said to me that he has finally come to the conclusion that he really don't know what love is. After I got off the phone with him I had to think about that myself. Do I know what love is?
I thought I did and for the most part I think I do, I don't claim to be an expert but I do know a little something. Over my years of dating and being in relationships I have loved many men for different reasons. This particular friend was my teenage love at 17, that lasted for several years. This was a relationship that everyone thought would end in a marriage. So did I until he went to the service, I was such a loyal girlfriend and at time I was so in love with this boy, we were in the same English class that I helped him get through.. (lol). We used to walk to the bar b que place for polish boys everyday after school. He was the only boy my mother half way liked, as like most mothers no one is good enough for their daughters. Well this lasted until I went in the Army without telling him. When he found out after I was already gone he was heart broken, but he understood until I had to tell him one day that I was pregnant with another man's child. When I tell you that was the worst thing that I have ever had to tell anyone. I broke his heart and he still forgave me even after I had my son, and we tried to stay together for a while but after a year he couldn't handle raising another mans child. Now remember this was the early 80's so the men back then were not as willing to step up to the plate and help. So when we separated I understood and I let him go. We have remained best friends since 1977. He has seen me through many bad relationships, been there for me when I was raped, saw me through the death of 2 boyfriends.
So I would have to disagree with him when he says he doesn't know love is, yes he does he knew how to love me through all my pain, despite the fact that he had a wife and I married eventually after waiting for many years for him to leave his wife, and me comparing every man to him. Although I married for the wrong reasons and I knew it, he admitted after his 20 plus years marriage ended that he didn't love his wife when he married her. Well needless to say we tried several times to get back together, me comtemplating moving to Texas and him even coming home, but whenever I told him that if we were going to try again I wanted him to court me the old fashioned way. We never dated we were friends who turned into lovers and best friends.
Now I guess you're wondering why can't we get it together, you two seem to have what it takes to make a relationship work, a strong friendship foundation and we do. While that is a good thing and important sometimes it can hurt a relationship. This man was in the Coast Guard for over 20 years and with one woman for just as long, me I have lived a life full of good and bad experiences most of which he knows about. In my mind I some how felt like he was judging me without really saying anything. I know he would be the man that could very well take care of me, he just does not know how to love me at 52, he still thinks that we can go back to our 20's and we can't. Where I used to have that butterfly feeling in my stomach whenever he came home, I don't anymore and I haven't for a long time.
I love him and he loves me but I don't think I'm in love with him the way I should, because there is still no compromise, he likes to try and change the women he's with, and I am so very different than I was when I was that 17 year old girl that he kissed for the first time on the steps of his attic. Like I have always said for me it starts with a kiss. And here we are 35 years later and we still talk almost everyday...
When he says he doesn't know what love is, yes he does because he has loved me all this time. He just has to stop looking for me in the people he meets. Open his heart to a new relationship and just relax, it's not all about money and work, you have to learn to balance both. And more importantly you have to learn to love and enjoy your own company. Although I live alone and the man that has captured my attention lives in Maryland I never feel lonely. I am at a happy place in my life and I enjoy sharing my experiences with my friends.
I repeat I am not an expert but I do know a little something about love because I've had it and if I never find it again I can look back at my life with no regrets and with a smile....
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.....
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER'S
This is for the my daughter's by birth and those that I have aquired along the way through my own kids..
Hello ladies
Right now my heart is heavy with concern for you ladies. I have seen a side of 2 young ladies that scared me. I don't know why as beautiful a you are that you have just settled for men who don't value or desrve you. When I look at you I see myself in you over 25 yrss ago. Although I don't think I ever had a self esteem problem, nor do you. I fell for the same type of men who told me I was beautiful and sexy, only to find out with most of them it was all about sex, and control. Since there was no positive example of a good relationship around me I did what I thought was right. I tried to let a man take control of the family until the lights got turned off and then I knew I didn't want to live like that, so I paid the bills. Yet still allowing him to be the head of the house. For the most part everything was okay until the signs of abuse started to appear that now in hindsight I wish I had seen. Jealousy is never a sign of love, trying to keep you away from your family and friends is another sign, all of which was going on at the time. Then came the sign a slap in the face. I was in shock that someone who claimed to loved me could do that to me. I shook it off and like all women I didn't think he would do it again. Well I was wrong because it did happen over and over again, and as I have told you all your life this was the man who taught me how to fight back. I did; I went back to school to get a career that would allow me the ability to take care of my children.
Plan B.. That is what I tried to drum into your head in all aspects of you life, you always need a plan B. I finished school and I fought almost everyday but I made it, for every pucnh he threw and for every slap he administered he got it right back. When the last fight happened I knew that was it, it was time to put plan B in motion. I moved away to start new. Although the abuse stopped it left me in a position of thinking with every relationship I had to be in control, and for the most part I was. I had the money and the home and when I could afford it the car.
I have made many mstakes with men but the one thing that remained constant was my control, never put yourself in a position to be put out of anywhere, dont settle for a man who can not help you when there are children involved. If he can support your dreams or hold you up when you feel like the world is crashing in on you, or dry your tears when you just have to let the tear flow, then that is not the man for you.
I look at you girls and I just want the best for you always, yes I am much more calmer now than I was 25 years ago, hell even just 10 years ago. I had to figure out what I wanted in life and what kind of man is good for me, and until God places that person in your life you have to be able to love yourself and be comfortable with being alone, remember alone does not mean lonely. With every bad relationship you go through take something from it and store it the good and the bad but only use the bad to not repeat that same mistake. Never make a new love accountable for what the wrong man did to you. You can use me as an example I have always shared my past with you guys o you know I am not the one to judge or tell you what to do, because like my mother always told me and your aunties " when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will know what to do" and she was right. All Iask is that you find your peace and make your own happiness. Command your respect without making these men feel less than a man, it will be hard but you will never be happy in your relationship making him feel bad....
This is my letter to all my daughters. Maintain you respect for yourself and know that I am here for you and I understand because I've been where you are. It does get better you just have to put yorself first.
I love you all very much and for my own daughters you know what we always say.." you are Walker women, built FORD TOUGH"
LOVE YOU MUCH
MOM
Hello ladies
Right now my heart is heavy with concern for you ladies. I have seen a side of 2 young ladies that scared me. I don't know why as beautiful a you are that you have just settled for men who don't value or desrve you. When I look at you I see myself in you over 25 yrss ago. Although I don't think I ever had a self esteem problem, nor do you. I fell for the same type of men who told me I was beautiful and sexy, only to find out with most of them it was all about sex, and control. Since there was no positive example of a good relationship around me I did what I thought was right. I tried to let a man take control of the family until the lights got turned off and then I knew I didn't want to live like that, so I paid the bills. Yet still allowing him to be the head of the house. For the most part everything was okay until the signs of abuse started to appear that now in hindsight I wish I had seen. Jealousy is never a sign of love, trying to keep you away from your family and friends is another sign, all of which was going on at the time. Then came the sign a slap in the face. I was in shock that someone who claimed to loved me could do that to me. I shook it off and like all women I didn't think he would do it again. Well I was wrong because it did happen over and over again, and as I have told you all your life this was the man who taught me how to fight back. I did; I went back to school to get a career that would allow me the ability to take care of my children.
Plan B.. That is what I tried to drum into your head in all aspects of you life, you always need a plan B. I finished school and I fought almost everyday but I made it, for every pucnh he threw and for every slap he administered he got it right back. When the last fight happened I knew that was it, it was time to put plan B in motion. I moved away to start new. Although the abuse stopped it left me in a position of thinking with every relationship I had to be in control, and for the most part I was. I had the money and the home and when I could afford it the car.
I have made many mstakes with men but the one thing that remained constant was my control, never put yourself in a position to be put out of anywhere, dont settle for a man who can not help you when there are children involved. If he can support your dreams or hold you up when you feel like the world is crashing in on you, or dry your tears when you just have to let the tear flow, then that is not the man for you.
I look at you girls and I just want the best for you always, yes I am much more calmer now than I was 25 years ago, hell even just 10 years ago. I had to figure out what I wanted in life and what kind of man is good for me, and until God places that person in your life you have to be able to love yourself and be comfortable with being alone, remember alone does not mean lonely. With every bad relationship you go through take something from it and store it the good and the bad but only use the bad to not repeat that same mistake. Never make a new love accountable for what the wrong man did to you. You can use me as an example I have always shared my past with you guys o you know I am not the one to judge or tell you what to do, because like my mother always told me and your aunties " when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will know what to do" and she was right. All Iask is that you find your peace and make your own happiness. Command your respect without making these men feel less than a man, it will be hard but you will never be happy in your relationship making him feel bad....
This is my letter to all my daughters. Maintain you respect for yourself and know that I am here for you and I understand because I've been where you are. It does get better you just have to put yorself first.
I love you all very much and for my own daughters you know what we always say.." you are Walker women, built FORD TOUGH"
LOVE YOU MUCH
MOM
Sunday, August 5, 2012
NEW LOVE UNFOLDING......
Well how do I start? I guess I could start with once upon a time, or even start with; Just as I was about to give up love and dating after a couple of attempts at meeting someone online. Don't get me wrong I got a chance to meet some very nice men who have remained a part of my friend circle, but for one reason or another it just didn't work out as a relationship.
Well one day in November while checking my many emails as I not to often do. I started checking my mail from blacksingles, and found that several people had viewed my my profile and sent messages that I took the time to actually read and go through them. Well some of them were good potentials right off the back. Their profile read was very informative, most enjoyed the same things I liked, even had some of the same ideas about relationships that I was looking for. Well of course you know you can't respond to all them; so I started thinning them out by age; over 10 yrs is too big of a gap in age. Then we go to the height I am 5'11" and dating short men has never been a problem but I like to wear heals so under 5'10" I crossed off the list. Now this leaves profile pictures the men on blacksingles are very handsome and sexy so this was difficult. I sent out replies to those who shared the same interests and whose children were adults. Well needless to say the list was very short because alot of these guys lived in other states; from New York to Denver to Georgia. Some of them were right here in Cleveland and they were fun but I am not looking for just fun. Sometimes you just want to be with someone who's every waking thought is not about sex. Well I read through the profiles again and one just stood out more than the others, now grant it there was no picture, and this persoon was 10 yrs older than I am. Now I have only dated 1 other man that was 10 yrs older but I was in my 20's.
Now here's where it gets interesting we start communicating through emails on this sight still no picture for me to see, now he has seen me. So now we exchange numbers still sight unseen, he's saying all the right things, sending poems nice middle of the day notes. Oh did I forget to say that our first coversation lasted several hours. My fault we started talking before the text messages. When I say that talking to him felt like he was around the corner that is exactly how it felt. So easy and comfortable. So this is when we decided that we would give this long distance dating a shot as long as we kept the lines of communication open it should work. Well he finally sent me several pictures and I must say I was very impressed, handsome older southern gentleman. As the the weeks pass on we talk almost everyday in one form or the other either text or telephone convo. I love talking to him he has told me on many occasions that he's shared more about himself and his job with me than he has with anyone else, and vice versa because I am a very private person so unless you ask I do not volunteer anything. I don't carry old relationships into potential new relationships.
So here we are 8 months later and we've exchanged pictures all kinds of pictures of me, he has been more consistent with his persuit of getting to know me than the men that actually live here. Now I am not the kind of woman who easily falls for any man, you have to show me because I am a woman of my word, if you want romance and passion that is exactly what you get. He sent 2 dozen roses for Mothers Day and I was pleasantly surprised, so for Fathers Day I decided to send him something that I knew would be different for a man who has everything and never really asked for nothing. He received a CD and a DVD of music and pictures that we exchanged over the months. He was very surprised and happy so now when he listens to the CD or plays the DVD he'll think of me.
Time for first visit; have you ever been nervous about a first date where you have butterflies in your stomach, well that's how I felt with the initial planned visit, not really knowing what to expect when I got there, if this was the right thing to do or not, but at the same time very excited to finally meet him because now I could a real person with the messages and the the long talks after all these months. Well first visit didn't happen why you ask, he called the night before to postpone the trip, now mind you I was all packed and ready to leave that morning after work. well he explained and I understood and he rescheduled for the next weekend off which was only 2 weeks later. Now this time I'm not nervous or anxious it was easy and comfortable. Important info left with my daughter just in case, you never know I was flying and meeting someone in person for the first time.
I arrive in Maryland and much to my surprise he looks just like his picture, he gave me the nicest hug, opened up my door and put my luggage in the car. The ride back to his home was very nice, he showed me around we had lunch just a nice time like being with someone I had known all my life. We're back at his house I get the tour beautiful home quiet neighborhood, just big enough for him.
We sit at the kitchen table to have a glass of wine after he told me to make myself comfortable, well for me that is a shower and basketball shorts and a beater. while we are at the kitchen table we make a toast to new beginnings and finally meeting. Well I guess you can say the rest is relationship history; one thing lead to another,we went to the mall, out to the movies held hands throughout the movie. We went for a walk in the park holding hands like the couples I see all the time around here. The days were beautiful and the nights were better, cuddling and other things that I will not mention. It felt good to fall asleep in the arms of a man again. Now Sunday is here and we did just what I had always dreamed about doing with him, nothing absolutely nothing we stayed in all day in our pj's, watching TV, eating and napping before I prepared Sunday dinner for the two of us while he sat at the kitchen table keeping me company. Needless to say dinner turned out great and dinner for two was wonderful. Went to see Batman 1st time for him 2nd time for me but I didn't mind.
Last night together memorable that's all I have to say about that, coming home did not feel like I was leaving to go to another state, it felt as if I was going to another part of the city. I have never felt this comfortable and easy with any man, I don't know if it's the age difference or not but I do know that I like him alot and looking forward to his visit here to Cleveland and many more to Maryland.
It was especially special to me to know that I made a difference in his life and him in mine, and to here some one say how much they miss you is the best. This is my story and I'm sticking to it.....
My wish is for everyone of a particular age who thinks they have given up on love, don't it worked for me in the most unconventional way that I would have persued. My heart was always open to love I guess that is why and how it found it's way in...
Until next time I am happy with my life and my choice..
JUST BE HAPPY.....
Well one day in November while checking my many emails as I not to often do. I started checking my mail from blacksingles, and found that several people had viewed my my profile and sent messages that I took the time to actually read and go through them. Well some of them were good potentials right off the back. Their profile read was very informative, most enjoyed the same things I liked, even had some of the same ideas about relationships that I was looking for. Well of course you know you can't respond to all them; so I started thinning them out by age; over 10 yrs is too big of a gap in age. Then we go to the height I am 5'11" and dating short men has never been a problem but I like to wear heals so under 5'10" I crossed off the list. Now this leaves profile pictures the men on blacksingles are very handsome and sexy so this was difficult. I sent out replies to those who shared the same interests and whose children were adults. Well needless to say the list was very short because alot of these guys lived in other states; from New York to Denver to Georgia. Some of them were right here in Cleveland and they were fun but I am not looking for just fun. Sometimes you just want to be with someone who's every waking thought is not about sex. Well I read through the profiles again and one just stood out more than the others, now grant it there was no picture, and this persoon was 10 yrs older than I am. Now I have only dated 1 other man that was 10 yrs older but I was in my 20's.
Now here's where it gets interesting we start communicating through emails on this sight still no picture for me to see, now he has seen me. So now we exchange numbers still sight unseen, he's saying all the right things, sending poems nice middle of the day notes. Oh did I forget to say that our first coversation lasted several hours. My fault we started talking before the text messages. When I say that talking to him felt like he was around the corner that is exactly how it felt. So easy and comfortable. So this is when we decided that we would give this long distance dating a shot as long as we kept the lines of communication open it should work. Well he finally sent me several pictures and I must say I was very impressed, handsome older southern gentleman. As the the weeks pass on we talk almost everyday in one form or the other either text or telephone convo. I love talking to him he has told me on many occasions that he's shared more about himself and his job with me than he has with anyone else, and vice versa because I am a very private person so unless you ask I do not volunteer anything. I don't carry old relationships into potential new relationships.
So here we are 8 months later and we've exchanged pictures all kinds of pictures of me, he has been more consistent with his persuit of getting to know me than the men that actually live here. Now I am not the kind of woman who easily falls for any man, you have to show me because I am a woman of my word, if you want romance and passion that is exactly what you get. He sent 2 dozen roses for Mothers Day and I was pleasantly surprised, so for Fathers Day I decided to send him something that I knew would be different for a man who has everything and never really asked for nothing. He received a CD and a DVD of music and pictures that we exchanged over the months. He was very surprised and happy so now when he listens to the CD or plays the DVD he'll think of me.
Time for first visit; have you ever been nervous about a first date where you have butterflies in your stomach, well that's how I felt with the initial planned visit, not really knowing what to expect when I got there, if this was the right thing to do or not, but at the same time very excited to finally meet him because now I could a real person with the messages and the the long talks after all these months. Well first visit didn't happen why you ask, he called the night before to postpone the trip, now mind you I was all packed and ready to leave that morning after work. well he explained and I understood and he rescheduled for the next weekend off which was only 2 weeks later. Now this time I'm not nervous or anxious it was easy and comfortable. Important info left with my daughter just in case, you never know I was flying and meeting someone in person for the first time.
I arrive in Maryland and much to my surprise he looks just like his picture, he gave me the nicest hug, opened up my door and put my luggage in the car. The ride back to his home was very nice, he showed me around we had lunch just a nice time like being with someone I had known all my life. We're back at his house I get the tour beautiful home quiet neighborhood, just big enough for him.
We sit at the kitchen table to have a glass of wine after he told me to make myself comfortable, well for me that is a shower and basketball shorts and a beater. while we are at the kitchen table we make a toast to new beginnings and finally meeting. Well I guess you can say the rest is relationship history; one thing lead to another,we went to the mall, out to the movies held hands throughout the movie. We went for a walk in the park holding hands like the couples I see all the time around here. The days were beautiful and the nights were better, cuddling and other things that I will not mention. It felt good to fall asleep in the arms of a man again. Now Sunday is here and we did just what I had always dreamed about doing with him, nothing absolutely nothing we stayed in all day in our pj's, watching TV, eating and napping before I prepared Sunday dinner for the two of us while he sat at the kitchen table keeping me company. Needless to say dinner turned out great and dinner for two was wonderful. Went to see Batman 1st time for him 2nd time for me but I didn't mind.
Last night together memorable that's all I have to say about that, coming home did not feel like I was leaving to go to another state, it felt as if I was going to another part of the city. I have never felt this comfortable and easy with any man, I don't know if it's the age difference or not but I do know that I like him alot and looking forward to his visit here to Cleveland and many more to Maryland.
It was especially special to me to know that I made a difference in his life and him in mine, and to here some one say how much they miss you is the best. This is my story and I'm sticking to it.....
My wish is for everyone of a particular age who thinks they have given up on love, don't it worked for me in the most unconventional way that I would have persued. My heart was always open to love I guess that is why and how it found it's way in...
Until next time I am happy with my life and my choice..
JUST BE HAPPY.....
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