CONVERSATION WITH A FRIEND..

   Okay one night last week I had a conversation with a very good male friend of mine who just happens to be my best friend. We talk about everything but for some reason I think in his mind he thinks there is still a future for us. Well in the midst of all our conversations we talk about relationships and love. Now this has been the mystery of the century, he said to me that he has finally come to the conclusion that he really don't know what love is. After I got off the phone with him I had to think about that myself. Do I know what love is?
   I thought I did and for the most part I think I do, I don't claim to be an expert but I do know a little something. Over my years of dating and being in relationships I have loved many men for different reasons. This particular friend was my teenage love at 17, that lasted for several years. This was a relationship that everyone thought would end in a marriage. So did I until he went to the service, I was such a loyal girlfriend and at time I was so in love with this boy, we were in the same English class that I helped him get through.. (lol). We used to walk to the bar b que place for polish boys everyday after school. He was the only boy my mother half way liked, as like most mothers no one is good enough for their daughters. Well this lasted until I went in the Army without telling him. When he found out after I was already gone he was heart broken, but he understood until I had to tell him one day that I was pregnant with another man's child. When I tell you that was the worst thing that I have ever had to tell anyone. I broke his heart and he still forgave me even after I had my son, and we tried to stay together for a while but after a year he couldn't handle raising another mans child. Now remember this was the early 80's so the men back then were not as willing to step up to the plate and help. So when we separated I understood and I let him go. We have remained best friends since 1977. He has seen me through many bad relationships, been there for me when I was raped, saw me through the death of 2 boyfriends.
   So I would have to disagree with him when he says he doesn't know love is, yes he does he knew how to love me through all my pain, despite the fact that he had a wife and I married eventually after waiting for many years for him to leave his wife, and me comparing every man to him. Although I married for the wrong reasons and I knew it, he admitted after his 20 plus years marriage ended that he didn't love his wife when he married her. Well needless to say we tried several times to get back together, me comtemplating moving to Texas and him even coming home, but whenever I told him that if we were going to try again I wanted him to court me the old fashioned way. We never dated we were friends who turned into lovers and best friends.
   Now I guess you're wondering why can't we get it together, you two seem to have what it takes to make a relationship work, a strong friendship foundation and we do. While that is a good thing and important sometimes it can hurt a relationship. This man was in the Coast Guard for over 20 years and with one woman for just as long, me I have lived a life full of good and bad experiences most of which he knows about. In my mind I some how felt like he was judging me without really saying anything. I know he would be the man that could very well take care of me, he just does not know how to love me at 52, he still thinks that we can go back to our 20's and we can't. Where I used to have that butterfly feeling in my stomach whenever he came home, I don't anymore and I haven't for a long time.
   I love him and he loves me but I don't think I'm in love with him the way I should, because there is still no compromise, he likes to try and change the women he's with, and I am so very different than I was when I was that 17 year old girl that he kissed for the first time on the steps of his attic. Like I have always said for me it starts with a kiss. And here we are 35 years later and we still talk almost everyday...
   When he says he doesn't know what love is, yes he does because he has loved me all this time. He just has to stop looking for me in the people he meets. Open his heart to a new relationship and just relax, it's not all about money and work, you have to learn to balance both. And more importantly you have to learn to love and enjoy your own company. Although I live alone and the man that has captured my attention lives in Maryland I never feel lonely. I am at a happy place in my life and I enjoy sharing my experiences with my friends.
   I repeat I am not an expert but I do know a little something about love because I've had it and if I never find it again I can look back at my life with no regrets and with a smile....
                                           That's my story and I'm sticking to it.....